We’ve all been hurt in life, had our egos bruised, hearts broken, and maybe having to second guess our views on love in general. Some of us have been hurt worse then others. We all deal with that hurt differently. I put up walls that almost no one could get through, didn’t trust anyone, and was pretty jaded. Having been hurt in relationships before made me guarded.
I am truly blessed to have a boyfriend who saw my behavior for what it was, a defense mechanism. He didn’t run, instead he told me I wouldn’t scare him off. One by one I began to shed my defenses and let him in.
One of the hardest things to do is to let down our armor and let people see us. To let ourselves be vulnerable. To take a chance once we’ve already been burned. But if you don’t then you will never be able to be in a happy healthy relationship.
Being hurt in relationships is a part of life. Past hurts are not limited to relationships, they can also include hurt from our childhoods. Past hurts don’t have to rob us of happiness in our current relationships. In fact they can actually lead to stronger and healthier relationships.
One of the most important things I did in this relationship is be honest about my past hurts. Now I don’t mean that as soon as we started dating I spewed out all of my most embarrassing issues that hurt me in the past. But I did communicate to my boyfriend that I was in an abusive relationship towards the beginning so that he would have an understanding of some of my behaviors. Now, I try to let him know when a situation makes me think of the past.
Loving yourself is so important. Not only can it keep the past from happening again, it can change how you handle situations. Part of loving yourself is changing the way you talk to yourself. This can help the way you interact with your significant other.
Get rid of fight or flight. Stay and calmly work through whatever is going on. All relationships will get tough. Avoidance and fighting are both bad options. If you truly want to make the relationship work, you will have to take a deep breath and don’t give up.
It’s okay to forgive and to forgive readily. You do not lose anything by forgiving someone that you love.
My boyfriend has patiently taught me that my vulnerabilities are not something that I need to be ashamed of. You shouldn’t hide your vulnerabilities, they are part of you. He has also shown me that I do not have to be perfect to be loved. Luckily my boyfriend also encourages me to be myself. All of these things have helped me to not allow my past hurts to hinder our relationship.
Use your friends for guidance and support. When I know that I am taking something from my past out on my boyfriend, I call my best friend and she talks it through with me. Close friends can really help you talk through the situation with you so that you don’t allow the hurt from teh past to control your future.
In my case what had caused the majority of my hurt was abusive behavior. It is easy to run to what is known because it is what is comfortable. Working on a new and healthy relationship can be awkward. You might not know how to react to something that is new and so good. Breathe through it. It is possible to let go of past hurts and be in a happy and healthy relationship.
Check out this awesome video about letting go of your past
Also one website that has helped me tremendously is https://www.sanityandself.com/
Come check out How To Let Someone Love you http://www.fabulouslysingle.life/how-to-let-someone-love-you/
Maintaining a strong sense of self when in a relationship is so important to your own personal health and the health of your relationship. This is something I have just recently come to learn. For the first time in my life it is also something that I have been able to put into practice.
It doesn’t matter if you’ve been married for years or are newly in a relationship, loss of self can happen through out a relationship. Falling in love is new and exciting. It is easy to get wrapped up and forget about you instead of we.
Making yourself a priority when you are in a relationship isn’t selfish, it’s imperative to not losing one’s self. That doesn’t meant that you do not make your partner a priority as well, but you can put you first without being self-centered.
DO NOT LET SPENDING QUALITY TIME WITH YOUR BESTIES FALL TO THE WAY SIDE!
Spending time with amazing friends in Maui.
Your besties are your support group, your sounding board, and so much more. Your besties will also always be there for you, you don’t break up with or divorce your besties. Never stop spending time with them just because you are in a relationship.
DO NOT FORGET ABOUT YOUR FAMILY.
Ladies night out with my sister and mom.
Even though your family may drive you crazy they will always be there for you. Don’t forget about them just because you are in a relationship.
DO NOT GIVE UP ON YOUR HOBBIES.
Travel is my passion. This is me on a beach in Maui.
Falling in love is exiting and fabulous. Being in a relationship is great. You still need to make sure that you do not lose yourself in the relationship. Finding balance in life is about choosing priorities. Don’t forget to make yourself a priority.
Don’t forget to check out Fabulously In The Middle http://www.fabulouslysingle.life/fabulously-in-the-middle/
Do not fall for the return of the douche bag! He will come to you with fake apologies, even show you he’s not such a bad guy, he might even take you on a few dates. But at the end of the day he is still a douche bag.
He’s a legend in his own mind. He thinks he’s a 10 when in reality he is just a sad 42-year-old man who cannot handle being with a real woman. He is incapable of caring about the fact that he caused you embarrassment and pain.
You are nothing more than a game to him and that will never change. Now he is definitely charming, handsome, and witty so you want to believe that he is is the exception to the rule. He isn’t.
And you wonder why he can be so cruel as to play these games with you? Maybe, it’s because you make it so easy for him.
The douche bag is inherently selfish where he preys on women who will feed his ego and buys his time until he moves on to his next prey.
Don’t be too hard on yourself if you let them back in once. It’s not your fault that he is an emotional cripple, a coward, a manipulator.
If they don’t choose you they lose you. Don’t waste your time waiting around for someone who is incapable of being a decent human being. Do not be someone’s back up plan and certainly do not be there second choice.
Please observe the douche bag in his natural habitat
The hallmarks of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) are grandiosity, a lack of empathy for other people, and a need for admiration. … They may also concentrate on grandiose fantasies (e.g. their own success, beauty, brilliance) and may be convinced that they deserve special treatment.
Sound familiar? Yes it seems like The douche bag is also a narcissist.
UPDATE: prior to me publishing this, after writing it I found out that the Douche Bag is also engaged and living with his fiance and has a child with her. He proposed to her in April of this year. He admitted everything and had the audacity to apologize and ask if we could talk. Classic Douche Bag he told me how guilty he felt because I was such an amazing woman. Lets be real what he really wants is for me not to tell her and not to publish this blog post! To late, I already spoke to his fiance, who let me know he denied the entire thing. However, I was able to send her all of the text messages, photos, and his dating profile online. Goodbye Douche Bag!
Until next time….
Dating today can feel like walking through a mine field. Whether it is online dating or IRL dating can be confusing and anxiety producing, especially the first date. Well here are some timeless tips to make it easier. Here are 10 First Date Tips For Women.
1. Be yourself and Relax. Easier said than done, I know. Don’t put pressure on yourself to be something you are not. Don’t try to be the version of yourself you wish you were. He is here because he sees something in the real you.
2. Dress appropriately And attractively. First impressions matter! Wear something that makes you feel confident and truly great about yourself. Don’t wear something that will make you physically uncomfortable like heals to the beach. Make him work for it, don’t wear something that is going to reveal all of your goods (don’t dress to revealing). Just as dressing overly sexy can be an issue, not looking date-ready at all can also be a turnoff.
3. Mind your manners. First impressions matter! Show up on time, be polite to the waitstaff, and give your date your undivided attention.
4. Turn the volume off on your phone. You do not want your alerts, texts, or calls to distract either of you from the date. Do not keep checking your phone either. Yes, use it to check in and let someone know where you are and that you are okay, otherwise leave your phone alone.
5. Let him lead and cut him some slack. Let him pay, open doors, pull out your chair. (Yes, I’m old school). Remember that he’s likely nervous and is trying to figure out first-date rules, too. So if he is faltering help him out.
6.Have a code word. I know it sounds crazy but that is the world we live in. Don’t just text I’m alive, fine, blah, blah, blah. Have a code word for being okay so your loved ones really know it is you sending the message. Don’t let yourself get stuck with a certified creeper.
7. Be present. Show interest in your date and be an active listener. Nothing is going to be a bigger turn off than a girl who is completely distracted on the first date. Engage him in conversation, without making it all about you.
8. Address the elephant in the room. If something is making you uncomfortable, speak up. Awkward silence, your mind goes blank, wish you hadn’t just said something that flew out of your mouth? Speak up. Not only will you feel better, you will make him more comfortable, too.
9. Establish boundaries. Boundaries include oversharing and physical boundaries. Don’t overshare, this is only the first date. If it is meant to be you will have plenty of time to share. Establish physical boundaries. If you want more than a one night stand sex on the first date is not a good idea.
10. Don’t drink too much. One drink is fine, maybe two at the most. Don’t drink too much because you don’t want to look sloppy. More importantly you don’t want to put yourself in a dangerous situation. Don’t forget this is a stranger.
Until next time…..